I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
