i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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