So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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