Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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