dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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