Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
