Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
