Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
