It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
