if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
