Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
