he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
