Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
