wakey wakey hands off snakey
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
