Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
