I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
