i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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