The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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