My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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