Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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