Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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