I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
