She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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