i used baking grease as lip gloss
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
