Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
