you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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