He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
