Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
