I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
