i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
