When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
