I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
