you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
