I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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