Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
