i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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