Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
