lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
