roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
