Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
