Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
