just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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