i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he's gonorrhea incarnate
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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