Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just had sex on a roof
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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