i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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