I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
