my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
