Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
