fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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