The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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